The Johnsonian

Issue date: 9/6/06 Section: Spin

Media Credit: Keri Todd

Be afraid, be very afraid. Life is out to get you. Be wary and unsure of everything outside and everywhere always. The truth of the matter is if the Wicked Witch of the West can have a house fall on her while picking flowers in Oz, then there is no way that you can be safe.

My recommendation is join a convent or monastery. A life of silent, reflection is the only way. Since this is not possible because we can't have a world of nuns and monks, I urge everyone to become Agoraphobic. Be afraid of the yeast spores that grow on your bread, be afraid of any form of human contact that could result in the transmission of germs and be afraid of any object whether it is animal, vegetable or mineral.

Look at The Crocodile Hunter, Steve Irwin. Irwin, a 44-year-old Discovery Channel documentary star, was killed by a stingray while snorkeling off the coast of Australia near the Great Barrier Reef. The graphic death was totally uncommon and should remind everyone that freak accidents do occur.

Don't let this happen to you. Watch for things, especially those thrown by squirrels, that could fall from the sky. Disaffiliate yourself from Facebook because Big Brother is watching and that creepy kid in your history class will be able to stalk you much easier with his new set of tools-the News Feeds and Mini-Feeds.

In summation, hide from life! Don't allow yourself to experience ANYTHING that could cause yourself harm. You don't want to die, do you?

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