The Johnsonian

Issue date: 4/9/09 Section: Opinion

We're at a point where hard news coverage is more pleasurable to consume than actual entertainment. Gone are the days when popular singers could sing and mainstream movies were good at best-original at least.

Today, pop singers and actors aren't discovered. They're created by publicists, makeup artists and record producers. Indeed, becoming a "singer"-rather, a performer-is more often than not a matter of having an attractive face, toned body and a decent voice.

Actually, even a decent voice isn't necessary. As resurrected back into popularity by rapper T-Pain, the vocal software "Auto Tune" is now used fervently by pop stars to disguise their mediocre voices.

A brief list of song "artists" now using the software includes: Chris Brown ("Down"), Lil' Wayne ("Lollipop"), Rihanna ("Disturbia"), Jamie Foxx ("Blame It"), Ciara ("Go Girl") and Kanye West ("Love Lockdown").

Speaking of Kanye West, what exactly is he famous for, anyway? His musical composition skills are limited to taking what other (real) artists have created, remixing or editing the material, then putting his own shoddy lyrics over the recycled track.

I guess if I took Dr. Suess' illustrations and matched them up to my own rhymes I, too, could be a legendary children's author.

Every single released from West's "Late Registration" album uses a music sample, including lyrics from singer Lauryn Hill, a James Bond theme song, and music composed by the late Ray Charles, according to the music blog Whosampled.com.

In West's latest less-than-effort "808's and Heartbreak," which was released two months earlier than planned, he uses a drum machine that was mostly used to create song demos in the '80's. Incidently, most of the songs on "Hearbreak" sound like incomplete demos released two months earlier than planned.

Lack of creativity is no different on the silver screen. If I never saw a pornographic remake of a horror movie again, I would be okay.

In horror movies, all an actor needs to land a lead role is a big chest, long blond hair and idealized feminine features; and that's just for the leading male.

In addition to the two horror movie remakes this year has already been treated to ("My Bloody Valentine," and "Friday the 13th"), we can also look forward to another painful remake of "Halloween" by the always-sooty Rob Zombie.

And now here's a comprehensive list of movies we don't need but will get later this year anyway: Another "Final Destination" and another "Saw."

Bad movies aren't limited to a specific genre, either. If you saw "Shopaholic" you know what I mean. A botched mix of "Legally Blond" and something else stupid, "Shopaholic" is one of only three movies I've ever walked out on.

Today's script writers could be replaced with sports management majors and end up with a wittier movie than what Hollywood has been putting out.

Until the next Jack Nicholson and Michael Jackson are discovered, just pass me the newest edition of USA Today.



Comments on this column?

E-mail Eddie Scarry at

scarrye@thejohnsonian.com.

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